first courage

black-capped chickadee

at leisurely breakfast

in the birdseed tray

ignoring the wrought iron bird

that so frightened all the wild

birds when my daughter first

set out the try

it was a lesson in avian learning

for me to watch the first scrub jay

who perched at the far side of the tray

pecking with half his attention

on that dark, unmoving shape

after his first bravery

so many have followed

and are now nonchalant

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humble service

boxes of tissue

resting among the pews

a hundred mourners

reaching, stretching, lifting

grasping, clutching, pulling, raising

needing

pinker than yellow-black

chill, pink morning so autumnal

i walk not in fear

of yellow jackets swarming

from their ground nests

my porch and yard

are, finally, again my own

autumn coming

some of my grass is green

the sheltered areas mostly

that moving shadow helps protect

from photons in numbers staggering

to contemplate moving in straight

lines until reflected or refracted

burn my tender leaves of grass

to brown.

only part

we are only part

until we learn to give up self

we know not the vastness

of the whole

chatter silence

chatter like the isolated

human click language

too fast,  too nuanced

for outsiders to understand

squirrels emote, communicate

give vent – except the male

who scurries to the side of the road

as each car approaches

only to hurry back

to sit silent beside the body

of its mate or friend

who never made it across

saucy underskirts

 saucy pink underskirts

of clouds at sunset

dancing slow-motion

into the night

saucy

saucy pink

warm and accept

friends do so much

to warm the soul

and ease the emptiness

simply by being there

and accepting where we are

i’m on my feet

i’m on my feet

even answering questions

and working on the play

i am setting up

but i’m empty

and no judge

of the rationality

in what i am doing

loved beauty

 a second sunrise he

has missed on earth

who designed our father’s

funeral brochure, pastel

with small plane gliding over fields between surrounding hills

if only one of us could now

create his with as much

loved beauty.

our bill

loss

aching

tears

empty shell within

gracious response

a brilliant thought of an author

who has captured and wide, loving

audience for her work

 and then the gathered courage

to reach out to Jane Kirkpatrick

with her own loving story

of mother’s courage growing up

amid annihilating weariness,

ill-treatment and poverty

 the response, far more gracious

than our Susan could have imagined

  ah, the difference between big and small

laughing family

laughter of cousins now distant

in location but close in caring

the warmth of siblings’ support

and knowing each other’s strength

and pain

a lunch together, rare

a sharing of love, thankfully, joyous

realism with a bang

vivid brilliance, blinding

there and gone before our minds

can react and label such power

lightning

and then, low and grumbling

a guttural observation, thunder

that comes more fleetingly upon

the flare and grows more fierce

until each is upon us, overwhelming

terror

so primitive millennia of learning

accomplishments, gadgets

unwarranted pride dissolve into shaking, proper, realistic

humility

super blue

 very early this morning

the moon near its zenith

was still brilliant white

and commanding

joyous for me pondering

the music of the spheres

it must hear even stooping

this close to earth

vein of courage

long talk

a litany of poor treatment

to speak of and be done

knowing you’ve come

out the other side

knowing that’s behind you

knowing you spoke up

and were heard

understanding you were in danger

but are now mending

and daily gaining strength

grateful even though

there is much yet to face

but also assured there is within

a vein of courage and determination

realistic solution

the permanent solution is surgery

but as i stumble decades old

what need have i for permanent

misstep

we watched his palsied misstep

feared his going down

his beloved gone from directing

each step in his life

leaving his weakness naked

for us to see but unable to help

except to accept quietly

as though he still were competent

yellow jacket trap

yellow jacket trap

sick awe as i watch the yellow jacket

trap odor lure a dozen frenzied insects

joined soon by hundreds aggressively

swarming the plastic tube unable

for an hour and more to find entrance

i go on to church, praying

for insight into the confusion we call life

returning, i retch at the increased frenzy

of the swarm at my back porch

fifty, one hundred have found their way

in but cannot get out and are trampled

by crazed newcomers and more newly

trapped walking on their bodies

climbing the plastic walls only to fall

back onto the black mass, only some

of which is struggling

and still more come

and more

grateful, fascinated, i stare

sickened, i turn away

returning to smoke

 returning to medical lake smoke

but their home still standing

as the wind did not shift

the towering flames did not leap

their arm of the lake

sighing the relief that guts

when the tension-fear eases

they will garner courage

to clean and reinhabit

and do what they can to help neighbors

in their loved community